TV, Travel, Freelance & Family Matters

The prospect of my departure on the 29th for a four week trip to the opposite side of the globe has dredged up some old memories for me. OK, call it guilt. I can't shake the feeling, "What have I done?"

Below are the four reasons why I'm not looking forward to traveling next month to Beijing to cover the Olympics. Indeed, they're all pretty cute, huh? They are, in fact, the reasons I stopped traveling full-time as a freelance TVCommando almost seven years ago. So what was I thinking when I agreed to this crazy gig? I'm not sure.

Was it a momentary lapse of judgment? Always a possibility. Ego? I don't know. One of the things that so appeals to me about working in education over television is the lack of ego on everyone's part. Is it the seduction of a "few gold coins?" I never thought I had a price. Is it the "prestige?" As I tell all of my students, the prestige of being a high profile TV gypsy doesn't pay the bills. The truth is after all of the air travel, inevitable delays and TSA security...and then, even tighter security Chinese government-style, the inside of the TV compound or the back of my camera will look the same whether it's Beijing or Pebble Beach. Been there, done that. So why are my second thoughts leaving me staring at the ceiling at night?

Yeah, it's probably guilt.

My wife knows exactly what's in store. I can see it in her eyes as she begins to steel herself for the upcoming reality of parenting a 12-year-old, a 6-year-old and a 5-year-old alone. She knows very well having spent many years living, working and parenting as a married single when I was traveling 200 days a year. She may be out of practice, but her resiliency and toughness always impressed me. She is much tougher than I. That still doesn't make it any easier for her, or on the relationship.

Shawn has many memories of traveling to exotic locations. Of warm weather and hotel pools and being Daddy's "assistant cameraman" at the "big parks" as he used to call all the golf courses we visited together. He also remembers a Dad who missed a lot. He knows exactly how many birthdays I missed to this day. They're not proud parental moments for me either, pal. If you strung all of the days together I missed in the first six years of his life, it adds up to almost exactly half.

My girls have no idea what's ahead. And I can only hope and pray these digital postcards can ease the burden with a few pictures of Daddy's face and a few words on a computer screen. I know from experience it doesn't equal all the missed bedtime books and back scratches. As a prelude of things to come, I traveled to California to do some training last month and after a few days my wife reported both girls definitely thought absence did not make the heart grow fonder. They wanted their Daddy back.

It's not getting easier as my departure day nears. Every time I have attempted to leave the house during the last few weeks my 5-year-old, Leyna, has dropped whatever she's doing and insisted on us completing the same goodbye ritual before I leave. The conversation goes something like this:

Leyna: (When she see me leaving.) "Daddy stop!" (She has run out into the driveway several times while yelling this.)
Daddy: "Yes pumpkin..."
Leyna: "Are you going to China now?"
Daddy: "No, honey, I'm going to ACME (the local grocery store)."
Leyna: (Despite the fact we've repeated this long goodbye a dozen times so far, it still gets to me...) "Will you tell me when you're going to China?"
Daddy: "Yes, Leyna, Daddy will tell you.

What was I thinking? 17-days left to departure.

Definitely guilt.